Mommy Guilt & Anxiety

This is something that I struggled with sharing, but that's part of the reason I feel like I should. Most of my adult life I have struggled with anxiety. Nothing major, a few panic attacks sprinkled throughout stressful times in my life but for the most part just basic anxiety that I felt capable of dealing with. 

After Lily was born I went through what I thought were normal hormonal baby blues, but I know now that I was probably actually struggling with PPD. Since having my second baby my anxiety had sky rocketed out of control. I constantly felt as though the smallest thing could send me flying over the ledge. I imagined worst case scenarios involving my loved ones all the time. I felt pulled in a million directions when I felt I had nothing left to give. 

At Lexi's two month check up her pediatrician had me complete a postpartum health survey. I struggled to answer some of the questions truthfully because I knew my answers weren't what they "should" be, and I felt guilty for that. I felt guilt for feeling anxious and feeling guilty about it *insert face palm emoji here. 

You guys, this sweet kind pediatrician says to me "Your baby is doing great! She's growing so well, but how are you doing mom?" And I about broke into a million pieces. With her encouragement and my husbands I went to my doctor and am finally getting the help I didn't even know I so desperately needed. 

I felt guilty that my mommy duties were being pulled in two different directions and I had no idea how to handle it. Guilt for not feeling enough for both of my girls, my friends, my husband. Guilt that I felt that way. Guilt on guilt on guilt. It's so easy to imagine that everyone else was living a happy positivity filled life when that is all you see of them on social media. You forget that it probably took them a thousand shots to get the perfect one, or that behind their smiles there could still be pain or guilt or anxiety just like yours.

I still feel the mom guilt creep up on me sometimes and I still have days where my anxiety gets the better of me, but you guys I can't even tell you how much better I feel. I'm no longer consumed by the guilt and anxiety that seemed to be ruling my thoughts for months. 

I'm sharing because if anyone I know is struggling like I was, or maybe will someday, I want you to know that you're not the only one. Because that's what guilt and anxiety do to you sometimes, is make you feel alone. Like no one would understand, your feelings are wrong, you're inadequate. But I'm here to let you know that those words are untrue. 

You are enough and you are doing an amazing job, but if you feel like I did or worse please PLEASE talk to someone about it and let them know. You are not alone. ❤️